Sensual, Thoughtful, and Very Naughty
In Cuckolding: A Brief Introduction, I introduced cuckolding as one of my favorite sexual fantasies and set about trying to define and understand its critical attributes as a form of sexual play within a loving relationship.
I hesitantly admit my cuckold fantasy because of how it is commonly portrayed in the world of porn. It seems that cuckolding has been taken over by other fantasies/fetishes such as Femdom and Erotic Humiliation. As a result, a cuckold is sometimes seen as a weak, undesirable man wearing panties while being berated and humiliated by a dominant woman as he is forced to watch other men fuck his lover. While some cuckolds may harbor such a fantasy, this portrayal is not the essence of cuckolding nor does it reflect my cuckold fantasy.
That said, my cuckold fantasy isn’t the essence of cuckolding either. So, my exploration of cuckolding continues with two objectives in mind:
Definition and Critical Attributes
I believe the essence of “healthy” cuckolding can be defined as a sexual fantasy/fetish in which the man is stimulated by his emotionally committed partner having sex with another man or men. In its purest form, cuckolding involves three elements. We have a couple that is emotionally committed to one another, his lover is fucking another man or men, and this arrangement turns the couple on and enhances their relationship. Beyond this essential core, the fantasy explodes wildly into many different spaces and often becomes a fetish within a fetish.
Takes One to Know One
Adult dating sites are full couples looking for other men to fuck the wife or girlfriend. I know this because there was a time when I fulfilled this desire for couples. In American Gigolo: Rise I describe my first encounter with a couple and that experience soon launched me into another world of sexual intrigue and exploration. I knew what I was doing and, in a world where willing men were a dime a dozen, I was a “preferred male” in relatively high demand.
The odd thing about this journey as an American Gigolo, Alpha, or Bull is that it felt like an out-of-body experience. It felt like I was an actor performing my role in a play. Looking back on that period, playing a role is exactly what I should have been doing and was doing. The deeper feelings that lead me to this “performance” are explored in the American Gigolo post. Good or bad, I needed to prove to myself that I could attain that level of sexuality.
I was also extremely curious about cuckolding and wanted to observe and experience it up close but from a safe emotional distance. As an “Alpha” I was able to see how real cuckold couples experienced the fantasy and learn from them…while of course fucking the wife. While it was fascinating and very erotic, I felt disconnected from the experience. I can be very naughty but I am first and foremost a sensual man. I prefer to layer my naughty side on top of a deep sensual connection. Being the third wheel in the sexual adventures of a couple, the sensual connection was often missing (as it should be).
All of that aside, I was a man in high demand by couples. Why were they drawn to me? In real-life cuckolding, a couple wants someone that understands the sexual game being played. It is erotic theater and everyone has a role to play. Couples want a man that respects their boundaries as a couple and has the sexual savvy to play a role with conviction. Being an Alpha is much more than just sex with the wife. You also have to be able to mind-fuck the cuckold. Believe me, if what you are doing as an Alpha isn’t exciting the cuckold, there won’t be a repeat performance.
I promoted myself and had a profile that was like nothing else anyone had seen. It was distinctive, erotic, and clearly communicated my understanding of this sexual play. Couples may have thought my cock was the most important part of their experience. In reality, it was my mind and that was the most erotic organ.
In my personal experience and research, I have come to appreciate cuckolding as a fantasy/fetish of choice for men that are more cerebrally inclined. I’m not saying cuckolds are more intelligent, but I am suggesting their mind is heavily engaged in their sexual experience—before, during, and after. A cuckold doesn’t often receive tactile stimulation in the moment. Instead, the cuckold is being sexually stimulated by a mind fuck of the highest order.
The underlying driver for mental stimulation may come from one or many intermingled sources. For now, I am going to explore the concept of psychological masochism.
In future posts I will explore the influence of exhibitionism, sexual competition (Sperm Wars), voyeurism, interracial sex, power flow (dominant and submissive cuckolds), and erotic humiliation in the cuckolding fetish. None of these erotic layers are essential to “healthy” cuckolding. However, many are layered onto cuckold fantasies.
Some sexual psychologists view cuckolding as a form of psychological masochism. In BDSM, we understand that some people are turned on by whips, chains, and giving/receiving physical pain (notably in sadomasochism) in order to elicit sexual arousal or emotional satisfaction.
A cuckold can be aroused by mental angst as a form of psychological masochism. Think about it a little deeper. A cuckold gets off anticipating, watching, and remembering his lover with her legs spread wide as another man plows her pussy and pumps his sperm inside her. He is taking an emotional and mental spanking.
As I dig a little deeper for personal insight, I think back to my Shadows post. As a sensual spirit, cuckolding could be a counter-phobic reaction to fear of loss. Instead of fearing it, I am drawn to it and excited by it. I create a space where I squarely face and master my darkness. In doing so, I have never felt more alive. However, this is only one aspect of the fantasy. There are more erotic layers that contribute to and intensify the experience for me.
Cuckolding is a dangerous game involving jealousy and divine ecstasy, shame and gratitude, control and submission, lust and trust, pride and humiliation, etc. You can imagine almost any two contrasting adjectives to describe the emotional highs and lows of being “in love” and the range of those emotions is experienced in the cuckolding experience. This is psychological masochism and cuckolding is an intense, mind-bending, mind fuck.
I held this fantasy for many years before I felt confident I could mentally master my emotional reaction and use it as a way to enhance my relationships through naughty sexual adventures. I would frequently masturbate while thinking about watching the woman I loved being fucked by another guy. Invariably, as soon as I came, the idea made me feel sick. It would take a couple days or even weeks before the thought began to arouse me again. I understood what was going on inside me though. It was hot to think about, but I feared that in my afterglow I would be jealous and angry with her. If I could not mentally master my emotional reaction, I knew it was a potential fire that could sweep across and destroy a relationship.
For many, the initial awareness and reaction to cuckolding is often one of shock. I suppose this is a common reaction to any fetish when first exposed to it. Why do some women want to be collared, chained, and dominated? Why do some women want to be “Fuck Dolls” or want a “Daddy”? Why do some women want to be treated like a “whore” during sexual play? To each his/her own. We all have our kinks and fetishes with different underlying psychological drivers.
Fortunately, if our lover is sexually adventurous, we have an opportunity to blend our fantasies/fetishes into a shared fantasy to form a unique experience as a couple. As a dominant male with a cuckold fantasy, I am still drawn to female submission. I never masturbate to the thought of being physically dominated by a woman. That said, if a lover had that fantasy, I would certainly be open to exploring it with her.
Now, suppose you are man that leans toward a more dominant role and your lover has submissive fantasies. Well, this can be a rather typical scenario unless the man also happens to harbor a cuckold fantasy. This is exactly the situation I found myself in with the lovely Sienna. I will begin sharing our story in its entirety in the next few months. Generally speaking though, how did we navigate this?
Simply put, I was a Dominant cuckold. Some people scoff at this notion and will call it an oxymoron. I would suggest to anyone that thinks that way to remember that dominance and submission is a D/s kink and independent of cuckolding. You can be a dominant male and still get off on seeing your lover with another man. I illustrate this dynamic in the video Naughty Angel (Dominant Cuckold). Similarly, Sienna once described how she viewed cuckolding as a submissive woman: Sienna: A submissive Woman’s Perspective on Cuckolding. In the image below, Sienna saw herself submitting to my desires.
Before wrapping this up, I would like to emphasize the extreme importance of communication in a healthy relationship where cuckolding is used as a form of sexual play. The erotic dialogue leading up to and after the moment is so very important to the cuckold and is a large part of his experience. It feeds his mind. The excitement and anticipation of what his lover is feeling, thinking, and sharing serves to drive the cuckold’s excitement. In turn, it increases his passion, desire for increased intimacy with his lover, and ultimately the emotional commitment within their relationship. There is likely a Sperm Wars effect which drives this reaction from the cuckold to compete sexually. I’ll explore this concept in an upcoming post.
So far, I have shared a working definition of “healthy” cuckolding within a loving relationship and three elements that serve as the core foundation of cuckolding. I have primarily devoted this post to emphasizing the importance of mental engagement for the cuckold during this form of sexual play. I hope you found this second foray into cuckolding to be both educational and mentally stimulating. Remember, in a healthy relationship the cuckolding experience adds to the relationship and is ultimately about the couple.
I have a file on my blog where I house all of my cuckolding content. If you are interested, please visit here – Cuckolding
I’ve also completed a few interviews with men and women that enjoy the cuckold kink who offer perspectives beyond my own:
After publishing this, there was some interesting questions/discussions and sharing of fantasies by women who found it arousing to imagine themselves being cuckolded. That is, the woman finds erotic pleasure watching (or fantasizing about) her man pleasing and being pleased by another woman. This could be a threesome where all three are playing with each other. It could also venture into the cuckold realm. In this case, the woman in the couple is called a “Cuckquean”. Sexual psychologist typically associate this fantasy with submissive women and place it within the BDSM fantasy/fetish.